Fear of Rejection

Fear of rejectionFear of rejection stems from past experiences when we have felt pain and disappointment and do not want to experience it again. stems from past experiences when we have felt pain and disappointment and do not want to experience it again. If we have been hurt badly in the past we tell ourselves that we should never be fully open again because the pain will be too great. We have just made a commitment to ourselves to not go down that road again. That is when we build our wall to keep us from committing or feeling accepted.

If you want to create a new outcome or experience than what you experienced in the past, you must be willing to make new choices and take new risks. Be conscious of your patterns and habits so you can change them.

When you allow yourself to be present to everything you’re feeling and experiencing, it doesn’t really matter if others agree or approve of what you’re experiencing. This is because you don’t need to seek their approval; you trust that everything you’re going through and everything you are feeling is valid.

When I first began teaching classes years ago, I was afraid that people would think I was some sort of wacko. A coo-coo who was preaching these far out beliefs and I risked losing friendships and associations because I was choosing to teach my beliefs.

Well, the classes were well received and the people liked what they were learning so that gave me more confidence. Then I was asked to be on the radio and I thought, “Yikes now even more people are going to hear me. Who said I knew what I was talking about?” But I trusted myself and the material and did very well. They even asked me back and I had more people attending my classes!

Each time I get pushed to another level of presenting myself and my beliefs I would take a big breath and trust that I was on the right path. I didn’t have time to worry about what people would think and how they would react. Of course, it did help that I was hearing from people all over the globe and that were were all discussing similar subjects and teaching the same lessons.

I did lose a few friends who didn’t understand the path I had chosen, but then I realized that they didn’t support who I was becoming and my spiritual growth so I didn’t need their negativity anyway. I have learned to take that leap of faith and risk everything by putting myself out there to see what happens.

The Manipulator

Dead TreeOne of my favorite authors, John Randolph Price, has a wonderful book called, “Removing the Masks that Bind Us.” In it, he outlines twelve different behavior patterns and tools for changing them. One of those patterns is The Manipulator.

According to Randolph Price:

A manipulator is a schemer – a devious, shrewd, cunning, trouble-maker. He or she has descended into the lower frequencies of planetary energies. Under the impact to these forces, one has uncontrolled ambition for power, position and prestige. These are crafty and calculating people with intense egotism and purely selfish desires.

In extreme cases, the Manipulators simply do not understand the meaning of compassion, and go through life intolerant of any ideas or views except their own. They will practice destructive criticism, be prone to gossip, and be devoted to petty concerns, whether in the family or workplace.

I’ve also come across manipulators in my counseling practice. For example, one woman was so afraid of not being accepted or loved she needed to control everything to her advantage. She’d lie. Change the truth, deny, and isolate her victim. She’d do anything it took to keep herself in favor. The end result was that at some point she couldn’t remember what she said to who, and slowly the thing she feared the most began to happen. Once again she was rejected and found herself isolated because she drove people away with her behavior.

Her need to control and manipulate came from a deep-seeded fear of rejection and she was so afraid of not being loved, heard, or seen, she would overcompensate by showering those around her with cheap gifts, false compliments and unwelcome advice. She thought that by making people around her succumb to her wishes or feel beholden to her, she would feel safer. Actually, the opposite was true.

Generally, manipulators are completely oblivious to the fact that they are a manipulator. It takes someone pointing out their behavior or standing up to them to call their attention to their destructive behavior. And – surprise! they don’t take to counseling too well. In order for a manipulator to heal, they need to learn how to love themselves enough to allow others to have their own opinions and beliefs and this can be very threatening to a manipulator because deep down they truly hate themselves and feel extremely unlovable.

It takes time and patience to work through this particular behavior, but with a good therapist it’s possible.