Gaining Approval or Acceptance

Acceptance with heartsThe need for approval kills freedom!

The need to get people to like you or approve of you can influence all of your choices in life and needing the approval of others can create a great deal of anxiety, because you must always be perfect – overachieving – hoping not to be criticized. The need for approval results in doing too much, feeling anxiety, worrying, being unable to stop agonizing over challenges, trying to please everyone, and working too hard.

It means constantly pushing yourself and sometimes spending too much time on projects for work or events at home – aiming for perfection. But you can become so involved with making things perfect that you don’t enjoy them. Not work, not your social life, or your home which you’ve worked so hard to make perfect.

Or, you’re always creating challenges. You may procrastinate, or avoid doing certain things, causing anxiety and fear, and getting stuck in worry .

This is eating up your whole life.

Spending your life doing this is a waste of time.

Instead, pay attention to how the need for approval is keeping you from growing. You may be stuck in a bad relationship or doing work you don’t really enjoy – causing you to do too much instead of only what is important – and creating a distraction from discovering what really matters to you.

This can get in your way when you are given new opportunities at work or with friends and family.

Ultimately, what others think of you has little impact on your decision-making about how to spend your time. Your performance should come from other motivational factors, such as being aware of what is important to you, what drives you, and what makes you happy.

You can start by getting in touch with what really matters to you. By listening to what you really want in your life and acting to make it happen.

Life becomes much more effortless when you are living in alignment with what is important to you.

 

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There is No Love Without Trust

TrustTrust is letting go of any need for a specific outcome or way in which something needs to happen. It means allowing things to just flow and watching them unfold naturally. When you begin to open up to your own personal spirituality you are constantly being asked to TRUST.

The hardest thing you are going to do is to let go of your old way of thinking and believing. You’re going to be asked to TRUST in a new way of thinking with good thoughts, kind thoughts, and forgiving thoughts – towards yourself and others. But especially yourself. And as you do this things will start to get better.

Just TRUST.

You’re going to be asked to believe in the Universe, God, the Divine, or your higher deity and trust they are helping you and leading the way. When you trust, you’ll feel better and life will flow much easier. Things can be joyful as long as you Trust.

You’re going to be asked to trust down to your deepest core being and then some.  This is how you start the process of self-help. Self-love. And Personal Growth. You can choose to go as far as you like, or you can stop at any time. But honestly, you may find that you feel so good and life is working so nicely that you get the point and you don’t want to stop, TRUST me.

I teach people how to open up and TRUST. I like to help them on their path and when they get the hang of it I send them out into the world to find themselves and walk their path. Everyone has one, TRUST me.

TRUST your inner self, listen to your own guidance. TRUST yourself to follow your right path.

The Healing Process

Birdbath in the gardenIt only takes a few minutes to hurt someone, but sometimes it takes years to repair the damage.

I work with clients on a daily basis who are still trying to heal from emotional, mental, and physical wounds inflicted upon them years ago. Of course, we can look at a woman who has been beaten by her spouse and say, “Well obviously, she has wounds she needs to heal from,” but rarely do we look at the obese mother, or acne-covered teenager, or socially withdrawn co-worker and wonder, “What happened to them?”

Typically, our first response is, “you eat too much,” or “you should take better care of your skin,” or “just lighten up,” instead of going to that space of compassion and understanding. I am a strong believer in the idea that what you see physically is the final manifestation of deep-seeded anger, guilt, or self-loathing.

The obese mother may be coping with the fact that she was teased relentlessly throughout her college years by friends and family when she gained the “Freshman Fifteen.” What most people see as a joke, or light teasing, she took to heart, and from that point forward began building a wall – literally – around herself so that the hurtful words wouldn’t hurt so much.

In the case of the acne-ed teenager, maybe he was told by someone, (usually a person of importance) that he was ugly and would never be good-looking enough to “get the girl”. Again, he internalizes this statement, gets angry but doesn’t show it, and it ends up on his face in the form of bright red spots.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

When I work with clients who are carrying old hurts, we often begin with the straight facts of the story. Then we dig into the emotion of the situation. How did they feel? How did they react at the time? What choices did they make – consciously or sub-consciously – as a result of the situation? Did they even realize that they were still carrying this hurt?

Once we can begin to identify the cause, then we can begin to heal the pain, and ultimately release the words that have harmed us for so long, allowing us to become more light-hearted, free, and loved individuals.

So be kind. You never know what type of damage you might inflict upon others – or for how long – and that can be a heavy burden to carry for the person on the other end.

Taming the (Monkey) Mind

Meditating MonkeyHave you ever suffered a panic attack or experienced very high anxiety? If so, these are signs that you’re taking care of everyone but yourself.

It’s easy to do – especially if we are constantly “plugged in” to everyone else via phone, email, chat, and social media. While being connected is a good thing, it can also become harmful when you begin to worry about things over which you have very little control. It also contributes to the constant chatter and non-stop thoughts in your head, AKA Monkey Mind.

I have a friend who runs around and helps everyone else but her. Most of these people don’t need to be taken care of, but she floods them with unwanted info and help anyway. If I happen to mention that I have a sore throat, my email box will be inundated for a week with remedies, medical articles, information about the cycle of the moon – basically anything she thinks will help cure my sore throat – when all I was sharing was that my throat was sore, most likely from allergies.

The information can become so overwhelming that her friends start avoiding her for fear that they’ll be unnecessarily taken care of since she allows her Monkey Mind to take over. Then she can’t figure out why she is depressed, tired, lonely, and unhappy.

She also hasn’t figured out the person that needs the most attention is her, and that she creates these situations to avoid taking care of herself.

If this type of behavior sounds familiar then slow down, take a look at your life and ask yourself when was the last time you took care of you?

It’s okay to  pamper yourself. Take a bath, enjoy a glass of wine, get a massage.

It’s okay to be nice to you. Go for a walk, make a nice dinner, relax for an afternoon.

It’s okay to sleep in late or sit and read a book all day.

Of course you have to keep Monkey Mind quiet. It isn’t easy but it can be done. It takes time and patience – something we so rarely give ourselves – but with a little practice, you can send the monkey back to the jungle where it belongs.